If you ever needed proof that America is in fact leading the pack in the long, slow slide into embodying the world of Mike Judge’s Idiocracy, you need look no further than daytime commercials. Now that my days have been freed up for me, I have been able to wallow in the morass of stupidity and failed ambition that is daytime television. And worse than the joyless game shows, the ridiculous soap operas and the insipid chat shows are the commercials. Now, I may be looking at my youth through the gauzy haze of nostalgia, but when I was a kid the daytime commercials were all Palmolive, Comet, Snuggle the Bear and Mr. Whipple. They were ads for industrious house wives that needed to clean the kitchen, wash the laundry and mop their assholes after detonating the toilet bowl with a hot shite mud slide thanks to the rich, meaty American diet. Now the commercials are all for erectile dysfunction, sleep disorder and, the dumbest invention in the history of humanity, the Snuggie. For those of you who may still enjoy the security of regular daytime employment, the Snuggie is a blanket with arm holes. That’s it. Some shit brick cut a couple of holes in a blanket with a utility knife, gave it a cutesy, house-frau approved name and is currently fucking a pile of money given to him by elbow-chewers in the Midwest who don’t want to go to all that extra effort to move the blanket four inches for the volume button on the remote when “Life According to Jim” comes on. Give it 10 years, people. There will be a batin’ toilet easy chair in every house and Ow My Balls, The Jay Leno Show and Glen Beck will continuously rotate on every channel. But polyester-wrapped land manatees in Nucklefuck, Kansas aren’t the only ones purchasing the Snuggie. Weezer fans can be lumped in with the Crisco chugging Midwesterners in the Snuggie-loving community. That’s because the Weezer Snuggie (yes, a Snuggie with Weezer’s logo embroidered on it) has sold out completely. A Spokesperson for Snuggie, who we will call Fisto the Anal-Loving with Wonder Leech, says, "We had an avalanche of requests and within a day we were wiped out. Several thousand Weezer's Snuggies were manufactured and they all went really quickly. We have a couple of hundred on order to meet the initial demand."
And you may have heard a nasty rumor about Steven Tyler quitting Aerosmith. You didn’t hear it here because on the day that he supposedly quit I was telling you how the rest of the band was casually considering touring without him. And unless I report something, it didn’t happen, which is exemplified in today’s Aerosmith story. Last night Steven Tyler told a crowd of fans that he had never quit Aerosmith. The important part of this story isn’t what he said on stage, it’s the fact that he Shanghaied Joe Perry’s concert to do it. Joe was playing a solo gig last night and had enjoyed a drama free night of shredding middle-aged faces. He went backstage for the encore break and there stood Steven Tyler. Joe says they exchanged some stilted pleasantries and then Steven asked if he could join Joe onstage for “Walk This Way.” Joe says, “Being an acquaintance of 40 years, I said, ‘Why not?.’ So he came up and sang and that was the last I saw of him.” But before snake-shimmying off into the sunset, Steven told the crowd that he wasn’t quitting, he was just taking a couple of years off from Aerosmith. After the show, Joe reiterated the band’s desire to work with a new lead singer, saying, “He wants to take two years off from the band, the rest of the band wants to keep on working. We have so many different options to fill up that time. Anything is possible at this point. Basically, any communication that we’ve had over the last couple of months has been through managers, so that’s been pretty strange.” Perry adds, “I never won any money trying to second-guess what goes on in Steven’s mind. I guess this is just Aerosmith business as usual.”
